I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
