i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Randomize
