I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
