I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
