He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
