she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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