How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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