just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
