Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
