I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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