Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
