so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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