The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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