Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
