Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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