That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
