just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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