The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
