i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
