I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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