so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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