She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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