I want to have your abortion
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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