You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
