he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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