Tell her she can't have a vagina
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize
