I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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