Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
