sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Thank you for not boning my boss.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
