so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
