if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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