so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
