Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
