Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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