I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
