You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
two words: eviction party
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
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Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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