I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
