I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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