im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
