My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
