the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
We're too hungover to prance.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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