I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
