i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
