Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
