I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
