his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
