Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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