I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
