i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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