had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
