I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
