At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
