So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
