so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
