I have demons in me.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
